What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:13
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What smell will you never forget?
My life is so biszare .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i do to all so called friends.?
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(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Ive learnt so much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My family never makes their pension either.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He resisted the act ,that day.
I write beautiful poetry .
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But it wasn’t much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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But, we were locked up after school.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i lived it daily.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Who then, do I blame.?
She loved him until the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So whats the point in blame.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She wouldn,t have been !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Would this be the day?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What did i know ?
When she asked me how she looked .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So, i spoilt her more .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor